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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27005449">So If You're Lonely</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerypath131/pseuds/flowerypath131'>flowerypath131</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>iKON (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Childhood Friends, M/M, lonely jiwon, nihilistic hanbin, random drabble, soft, this was self-indulgent im sorry if it wasnt what u expected</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:14:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,312</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27005449</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerypath131/pseuds/flowerypath131</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>definitely inspired by coyote theory's this side of paradise</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>So If You're Lonely</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>definitely inspired by coyote theory's this side of paradise</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hanbin’s mother has always reprimanded him whenever he lays down with his hands in his chest like how the dead were positioned when they’re in their coffin. It was a habit Hanbin couldn’t get rid of, really. He tried but he only successfully hid it from other people.</p><p>There were no locks on Hanbin’s room, either. They didn’t trust him with it nor do they respect someone’s privacy who’s as they said and he quotes, “Under our roof, eating our food, spending our hard-earned money.”</p><p>Of course, Hanbin had a counter-argument for that like the smart-ass that he was always accused of but he learned not to voice them ever again. The last time he did, he got so emotional and let it get the best of him so he broke down for the first time in front of his parents and they immediately thought he was going to commit suicide. At that time, the argument was about tattoos and what “the neighbours might say.”</p><p>“Why do people care so much about other people’s opinion? Even to those whom they aren’t close to? It makes zero sense.”</p><p>Without opening his eyes to see, he knew who it was. It was his childhood friend and long-time neighbour Kim Jiwon. They drifted apart during middle school with just a nod to acknowledge the other’s existence—it was inevitable as he was in photography club and Jiwon was into basketball like his elder brother. Hanbin understood since their family weren’t that well-off and having a sports scholarship would help while Hanbin himself couldn’t keep up with his new friend group. He didn’t even try that much because he didn’t like being a misfit. High school came and they were practically like strangers, Jiwon was the school’s star player and Hanbin became a photojournalist. There was no social hierarchy barrier or some shit like in the movies, no. It was just a matter of feeling like they don’t really need each other’s company anymore.</p><p>“Humans make no sense,” he just replied and continued to lie down like a starfish, not his usual position but he was in public and he didn’t want anyone to die of a heart attack seeing him and mistaking him for a dead person in the town’s public park.</p><p>“I wouldn’t put it that way.”</p><p>Hanbin’s left eyebrow raised for a nanosecond at that, unintentionally so, “Of course you don’t.”</p><p>“Do you still think humans should’ve perished and gone extinct?” a question accompanied by a rustle of leaves and shoes. Jiwon was seated beside him, maybe a feet or so from what Hanbin could sense.</p><p>“I have a different tagline now. Humans should never have evolved or existed at all.”</p><p>“You know, God wanted to get rid of humans a long time ago for their sins.”</p><p>Hanbin smirked at that, “I’m not the right person for that, Kim Jiwon. Never was, never will. Unless you want to hear my opinion, stop talking to me.”</p><p>“I want to, though.”</p><p>“Well that’s new. You used to be scared of the words that came out of my mouth.”</p><p>“I was a kid.”</p><p>“So was I.”</p><p>He heard Jiwon scoff and dribbled his ball a little, “You were an old soul.”</p><p>Hanbin sighed, “Why are you here, Kim Jiwon?” He came here for a quiet night because he didn’t have it at home. His parents thought he was at Sarah Jones’ house party, a formidable family in their town. As Hanbin rarely ever gets out, especially with an intent to socialize, his parents were ecstatic. Not to mention they were one of three Asian families in the neighbourhood so fitting in was required of him by his parents.</p><p>“I can’t be drunk because I have an important game tomorrow so I bailed the party. What’s your excuse?”</p><p>“I don’t have to have an excuse.” He was a regular student, his presence will not be missed. Ever.</p><p>“I want to hear your opinion,” the guy asked determinedly.</p><p>Just for the sake of his itching curiosity, he opened his left eye slightly to see Jiwon.  <em>Well, that was a fucking mistake. </em>The guy looked like the snack that he always was. Honestly, what was the purpose of opening his eyes?</p><p>He has always been attracted to Jiwon, may have liked him, too. But he knew he was a kid, therefore, invalid. <em>Unlike the factual arguments I seem to always have as a rebuttal which people always ignore.</em> He knew that if he answered what was in his head, he’ll see Jiwon’s true color. <em>Well, maybe that’s what I need so I can finally have a reason </em>not <em>to like this dude.</em></p><p>“God is of human construct. It was a matter of the first conman meeting the first fool. Need I go on, Kim Jiwon?” he challenged. He never blatantly told his beliefs—or lack thereof—because one, the neighbours including his parents would most probably chase him with pitchforks and burn him at the stake, two, he might be disowned, bullied, and be accused of Satanism.</p><p>“What do you mean by that exactly?” Jiwon asked, much to his surprise, calmly as if genuinely confused.</p><p>“He was invented by men. Misogynistic men who had a misogynistic and genocidal god.”</p><p>“And how do you know that?”</p><p>Hanbin was confused why Jiwon was still here. By this time, he was actually expecting him to dial the police, pastor, his parents, and the entire town to see. <em>Maybe this guy’s drunk. Maybe I can mess with him a little. </em>“I just have faith in my beliefs,” he opened his eyes and looked at Jiwon, “sound familiar?”</p><p>Jiwon thought about it and seemed to have conceded as he hummed and then looked back at him, “Maybe you’re right.”</p><p>That made Hanbin squint his eyes at the guy. “You don’t think I should pray so I can talk to God or join you in your church? I know you, Kim Jiwon. You never miss the priest’s sermon in Sundays.”</p><p>“No? I mean, yeah, I go to Church but that’s my belief. Same goes for other religions in their churches, or mosques, or temples.”</p><p>“I don’t attend to any.”</p><p>“I am well-informed of that.”</p><p>Hanbin chuckled, “The whole town is.”</p><p>“You know that they talk about you?”</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>“You don’t mind?”</p><p>Another nod.</p><p>“But why?”</p><p>Hanbin opened his eyes again this time looking at Jiwon confusedly, “Dude, your first question to me for the first time in a million years was literally why humans hold importance over other people’s opinions.”</p><p>“Oh, right.”</p><p>“Are you done with your questions?” Hanbin asked this time with just one eye open. He was so not in the mood to gawk at the “Asian cutie from China who play basketball”, appropriately described by the white girls in their school. And no, Jiwon was not from China.</p><p>Jiwon seemed to look dumbfounded as he nodded.</p><p>“So it’s my turn. Why are you here and why are you talking to me? About religion of all things?”</p><p>“I’m not really sure,” Jiwon said as he shrugged, “I was on my way home but I saw you and I thought you died or something.”</p><p>“What? I was moving.”</p><p>“No, you weren’t. You’re like that guy from the start of <em>da Vinci Code</em>.”</p><p>“Sauniere? I looked like Jacques Sauniere to you?”</p><p>Jiwon blinked stupidly at him and then shook his head slowly, “I don’t remember the dude’s name.”</p><p>“How do you even know about that book? Your mom would’ve burned it had she seen it. I should now, my mom did.”</p><p>“I made a movie review about it.”</p><p>“Did you like it?”</p><p>“I didn’t understand nor did I try to understand.”</p><p><em>Well, that was disappointing. Ladies and gentlemen, never meet your heroes. Just kidding. Or not. </em>Hanbin sighed for the nth time since their conversation started, a conversation that had no clear destination or purpose. “Why are we talking again?”</p><p>“Binnie,” Jiwon distractedly called out. The childhood nickname threw him off and he couldn’t stop the heat rising in his neck up to his ears, and spreading to his cheeks. But Jiwon didn’t notice because he was deep in thought. <em>Thank fuck.</em></p><p>Hanbin cleared his throat before responding, “W-What?”</p><p>“Have you ever felt lonely? Empty? Or I don’t know vacant? Out of touch?”</p><p>
  <em>Oh. A serious one.</em>
</p><p>He opened his eyes properly this time to look at Jiwon who seemed distracted, “Of course.”</p><p>Jiwon was always a shy and soft kid, grew up to be one, too. Where Hanbin was blunt, opinionated, curious, and all sharp edges, Jiwon was softly spoken, polite, had no problem with blind faith, and was a sweetheart and known to be a gentleman. Hanbin didn’t like people who were like that, Jiwon was an exemption because they were friends since he could remember. After Jiwon, he didn’t have friends like him. Well, he didn’t have friends altogether. <em>Hard to maintain and a headache to deal with. </em>He had acquaintances but that was it. He knew he’ll never be genuinely friends with someone his age, there were just too many airheads and frankly, stupid teens in their town.</p><p>From the sound of his voice, Hanbin could sense that Jiwon was asking for himself. <em>Perfect church boy is sad. How bizzare.</em></p><p>“What do you do about it?” Jiwon looked down to where he was lying down again, his eyes clear with struggle and inner turmoil. <em>And he wants the sadness out.</em></p><p>Hanbin let out a mixture of a scoff and laugh, “Wallow in it.”</p><p>Jiwon’s eyebrows scrunched at that, clearly disappointed and confused by his answer, “But why?”</p><p>“Because I like being lonely.”</p><p>“How can someone like being lonely?”</p><p>“Because it beats numbness,” Hanbin couldn’t stop himself from talking through gritted teeth but he counted in his head to keep his cool, “And it makes me think.”</p><p>“Numbness?”</p><p><em>Of course he’d ask. </em>Hanbin hummed, “When you fall into numbness, it’s hard pulling yourself back up. You don’t feel anything nor want to do anything.”</p><p>“Does one actually have to deal with it on their own?”</p><p>Hanbin chuckled impassively, “People are shit and stomp on your emotions. Therapists are expensive. A genuine friend would cost you being the country’s saviour or some favourite warrior from your past life. Besides, the only person you can really trust is yourself. I mean, it must be nice being looked out for but never depend on it. It’s unnecessary heartbreak—whether family or friends.”</p><p>Jiwon fell quiet after that and Hanbin thought the guy was sitting up so he could leave, instead he was merely moving a little forward so he can lie down next to Hanbin on the same level. “I don’t like it.”</p><p>“I didn’t like it when I was young, too. But now I prefer it.”</p><p>“You don’t want to be happy or at peace?”</p><p>Without a moment’s hesitation, he shook his head and continued to stare at the starless sky. “Happiness is fleeting and there’s always something sad to make up for the short happiness you have.”</p><p>“Were you always this pessimistic?” Jiwon asked, actually turning his head to look at Hanbin like he couldn’t actually quite believe Hanbin turned out like this.</p><p>“Pessimistic would mean expecting everything to go downhill. I’m nihilistic, I don’t believe, expect, hope, or look forward to shit. I don’t know if the peace I feel is something to be considered as happiness but at least I am at peace and content.”</p><p>“Did it take you a long time to feel at peace?”</p><p>Hanbin hummed and turned his head to Jiwon, too. “I felt like fish out of the water or like a zebra with a herd of horses for a long time. But I had way too much time to think and be alone until I found peace within myself.”</p><p>“Will I ever reach your level of peace?”</p><p>“I don’t hold the answer to everything, Kim Jiwon.”</p><p>Jiwon wrinkled his nose a little and he looked a little hurt, “I liked it better when you called me Jiwonnie.”</p><p>“You’re wrong,” Hanbin mercilessly shut him down.</p><p>“What? How can I be wrong?”</p><p>“I never wanted to call you Jiwonnie,” Jiwon looked betrayed and was so close to pouting. Hanbin couldn’t take it so he faced the sky again, “I’ve always called you Wonnie because it’s cuter and it sounded like a mix of your name and Winnie the Pooh.”</p><p>“Maybe if I stayed friends with you I wouldn’t be… like this,” Jiwon said after a few seconds of silence. He sounded genuinely tired.</p><p>“You can tell me stuff, you know. I mean, it’s not like I’d snitch,” and that was true. Not because Kim Jiwon was his neighbour, his first puppy love, or his childhood bestfriend but because Hanbin had no friends—which was his choice. And Hanbin made it a point to mind his own damn business.</p><p>“I don’t really have the exact words for it. It didn’t help that I lost you. I think I got used to the fact that you always find the right solutions to any and all problems I ever had and when I try, it didn’t seem right.”</p><p>Hanbin dared to face Jiwon again only find the guy staring at him all this time. Nonetheless, he brushed it aside and instead said, “That’s because you’re too much of a good person. And I don’t think you ever really, completely lost me,” he smiled and asked, “Are you lonely, Wonnie?”</p><p>The lonely Wonnie in question gave him a bittersweet and tired smile and nod.</p><p>“If you’re lonely, come be lonely with me,” Hanbin held out his pinky. Something he always did because their mothers used to reprimand them for holding hands.</p><p>Jiwon stared at his raised finger and then looked him in the eye, looked at the pinky again and was followed by him mirroring Hanbin’s action with his own pinky.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this was rlly random and self-indulgent, i was in the moment ok hahahaha im sorry if there wasnt much but i think it's cute. message me on my cc or find me on twt @flowerypath_131 and if u're lonely, u can hmu &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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